Morning churning

There is so much I want to do today.

I want to get back from my meeting with enough time to clean the bathrooms and vacuum the basement before I exercise and pick up J at the bus stop. I want to run before I do my boot camp video. I want to run from here to the city and back, going through every park, and the Baltimore zoo.

I want to repaint my toenails. I want to water the plants and put the grill cover on. I want to write more of the two stories I have been creating. I want to write about everything I am thinking and experiencing. I want to experience more than what I could ever write about.

I want to read more of my current 'daytime' reading book. I want to read all of the news in print for today. I want to re-read every book on my bookshelves. I want to re-read all of BHJ's posts. I want to read everything ever written. I want all this reading to make me the writer I want to be.

I want to spend time on the indie music site Kyle told me about. I want to find that song I heard on The World Cafe while waiting for J's bus on Monday. I want to hear every great song by every small band at every great small live venue that is happening tonight. I want to be sipping a cosmo at each one, and have JBL at my side. I want to attack JBL.

I want to shovel the snow covering the part of the yard where the spring bulbs grow. I want to check on the progress of those already begun, out by the mailbox. I want to map out my plan for this year's vegetable garden. I want to repaint the patio furniture and clean the glass table tops and weed around the bricks. I want to lay on the bricks and feel the sunlight on my face and place a bet on the first day I can lay there again in my bathing suit. I want to map out a plan to replace all the landscaping around the sides of the house. I want to learn everything there is to know about landscape design and horticulture.

I want to practice meditation. I want to be completely empty and quiet. I want to be absorbed into my yoga mat or into the sky above my house. (I would only want the latter if it's guaranteed I would be warm, though.) I want to watch hawks hunt in the snow. I want to find the first robins and experience their research of new nest sites. I want to follow the geese that seem to move in aimless groups from cornfield to lake and back again. I want to know what the point is.

I want to find my way to J at school and follow her around for the rest of her day. I want to smell her hair and see her easy smile. If she is ever sad or insecure, I want my spirit to wrap around her like a bathrobe fresh and warm out of the dryer. With her Bunny tucked in the pocket. I want to hear her neurons firing with every new thing she sees and learns and feels. I want to watch her grow each infinitesimally small bit and hear her heart beat and feel her weight in my arms during rest time. I want to sit beside her and hold her hand all the way home on the bus.

I want to roast a rack of lamb for dinner and try a new potato recipe. I want to figure out every recipe that intimidates me. I want to learn to cook every food that intimidates me. I want to experience all the wine in our cellar. I want to travel to wine and food destinations all over the world with JBL. Starting with San Fransisco.

I want to fall asleep tonight content, with my family already sleeping peacefully in the house, with all the lights turned out and crumbs of two chocolate chip cookies on my nightstand. And I guess that's really all that matters.