Technicolor

When Chris waxes poetic about Philadelphia, I cringe and roll my eyes and laugh (fondly).  And I remember.

I remember how I felt when JBL and I first got together - like that night I walked into his apartment to find him playing the guitar in his boxers with candles lit all around, waiting for me.  The afternoons we would sit and look out over the lawn into the trees, listening to music and sipping cocktails.  The inner calm.  This experience of being with him was more than realizing the miracle of finding the Big Love, but also as being apart from the pain in the rest of my life.  It was an escape.

This was the time when the shit was really starting to hit the fan with my dad, and as much as I compartmentalized the trauma so I could continue to function day-to-day, I still needed a break.  I needed a buffer from the constant onslaught of my mother's demons, and space to safely fall apart with despair.  But mostly my time in that apartment, and then eventually in his townhouse, was a chance for me to feel like my true self for the first time in my life.  My love for JBL was a fantastical finding that also filled me with the technicolor joy of being at home in my own skin.  And I recall that feeling as being tied to the places he inhabited.

There was a mysterious pull to the paved paths around Tamar Drive.  And later, I communed regularly with the wooded running trails in Clary's Forest.  The may apples poking up in early spring on the forest floor, the vines that hung from the trees, the small lake over the hill.  As I returned to the house and walked up the front steps, I would gaze for long minutes at the patch of dirt in front of the basement window, smelling its minerals warmed by the sun.  I would think about planting daffodils.

And I know when Chris speaks of cobblestone streets and great local speakeasies with a sparkling effervescence, I know he is feeling all these same things.  Putting aside my discomfort, I am warmed by the thought that he is feeling the weight of 'supposed to be' lifting from his strong shoulders, and that he is feeling joy for being who he is right now.