Don't stop

What a week. I got the stomach flu then gave it to J. I was convinced I could complete a crazy running challenge, then had my plans derailed (see above). We all welcomed back unseasonably amazing spring weather. I was an operations manager, I was a mom, I was a lover. And I was hardly down at all (well, other than when I thought I was going to die with The Sick). Best of all, I realized the season has permanently changed. JBL and I had a great conversation. Winter is over, starling.

It is the season of renewal, the season of promise, the season of endless opportunity. It feels like I have broken through a wall, and though I am afraid, I am going to keep pushing forward. It used to be that 'don't stop' meant I didn't have to face the demons. Endless distractions, endless buffers from reality. Don't talk while Mommy is working on this last email. I can't play now because I have to finish my project plan. I can't talk now, I am too tired from my day. Again.

Now 'don't stop' means that I will continue with actions and feelings and thoughts that deliver me from my past, from my shortcomings, and my fears. I will continue moving toward who I can be rather than hiding from (and hating) who I thought I was. I will continue being open and intuitive, rather than reactive. I will continue feeling, even when it is uncomfortable.

But I will stop some things - stop the buzzing, endless mental scrambling. Stop the platitudes and lies.

Running has always helped, but briefly, as I have written in the past. But now the rest of my life can - truly - mirror the effort and joy and flight of the long run. I have wanted it before, but now it is within my grasp. Freedom and happiness are up ahead, at the top of that hill, and if I focus on something at the top everything else (pain, doubt) will fall away. On the run, it may be a tree or a house or street sign. Here, it is an easy smile on my stepdaughter's face, vulnerability and trust in my husband's eyes, relaxed joy in my daughter's spirit.

When I get to the top, I will meet them there, but for now I hear them cheering me on. They see me coming just as when I rounded the final turn before so many finish lines in the past - trail races, city races, the running leg of last year's triathlon. They have always been there like an endless opportunity, like spring, but I never allowed myself to hear them until now. They are yelling, 'DON'T STOP!'. Focus...here I come...