In absentia

J has a knack for calling things like she sees them, and she seems to feel like she (and everyone else) should be entirely truthful and accurate at all times. There was a time not long ago when she was in a fibbing phase, so this penchant towards truthfulness was welcome at first.

Let me clarify: her truthfulness and joy in accuracy is always welcome, but....

Have you ever thought one word and said another? This happens to me all the time, so last week was nothing new. On weeknights there is not enough time for play-filled baths, so we force J to take showers, having done so since the beginning of the school year. Last Tuesday: "J, it's time to hop in* the bath."

"Momma, don't you mean shower?"

"Yes," (grumble, grumble), "of course I meant shower."

Or how about, "Honey, it's time to put your crayons away."

"Mommy, they're MARKERS." Well, sorry.

Her eye for detail is a bit more selective. Ask her to clean up the basement, and she'll consider herself done with precisely two-thirds of her toys put away, and will be genuinely befuddled when you point out forgotten items. Her facial expression implies said items appeared out of nowhere

However, when JBL left the bottle of handsoap destined for the basement bathroom upstairs for several hours, J felt the need to point it out every time she laid eyes on it. "Daddy still hasn't taken the soap downstairs?!"

It's this kind of critical comment that makes her seem like an old mother-in-law to me. Or my own mother. You will frequently hear her pipe up from the back seat, "Daddy, you're driving too fast!" And don't even get me started on her opinion of my hair. Too late - here I go...

She doesn't like the way I look when I wear my hair up, which I do roughly 80% of the time (what can I say? I exercise, I garden, I have to clean, and a big mop of hair in my face is irritating and hot [not in a good way, either]), and will take any opportunity to remind me. The first time she told me her opinion, I laughed it off. How cute! A 4-year-old critiquing me!

"Mommy, I don't like it when your hair is up in a pony tail. I don't like the way you look."

Heh-heh, yeah. Subsequent comments began to get under my skin. Finally, I calmly sat her down and explained that I am aware of her feelings, but that continued reminders are impolite at best and hurtful at worst. Consider your opinion duly noted, I said, and let this be the last we speak of this.

Did the topic end there? Come now. Don't be foolish. J simply substituted passive and none-too-subtle tactics that only a woman could employ. She began the heavy compliment of the behavior she preferred to see. Every time I come downstairs after preparing for a Date Night or a business meeting, I get to hear it. "Mommy, you look so pretty! And your HAIR! I just love it DOWN!"

Sometimes she'll talk about me in the third person, as she did last night while snuggling on my lap after dinner. I'd just taken out the clip which had been holding my hair up while I slaved over a hot stove. Read that while imagining me with the back of my hand against my forehead, my face pitifully woeful. J grabbed handfuls of my locks while murmuring wistfully, "Mommy looks sooooo pretty with her hair down..." You can tell she just can't help herself, and yet... I wanted to scream. Or at least roll my eyes and storm out of the room in a huff.

Her comments garner the same reaction in me as when I was a teenager and would come downstairs in the morning to be met with my mother's pursed-lipped comments ("You're not going to wear that belt with those pants, are you?"). Or like when I was a young adult and would come home for a visit to hear, "You've plucked your eyebrows too much! You should let them grow in a little more. Oh, sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

OK, I'm exaggerating, but J's comments do make me cringe a little. Isn't it funny that over your whole life you just want to feel safe and accepted by those closest to you, no questions asked? I guess there's a lesson for me in this - after all, I spend my time with J peppering her with advice, suggestions, and direction on everything from table manners to how to properly wash her hair.

Ok, Mom, I hear you....

*To 'hop' in or on something is something my dad used to say. It's a funny phrase to use, but it sounded to me then as now as being less demanding and more suggestive when I am trying to get the girls to do things around the house. See, I do try to be nice sometimes.