Like, totally

How old would you expect your daughter to be when she starts dealing with social friction and self-analysis? My guess would have been 3rd grade - that's when I first felt the pull of cliques and the grouping-off of friends. What? First grade, you say? Well, maybe. At that age I certainly recall being aware of the 'cool' toys to get at Christmas, and what hair styles were popular with the 6 and 7-year-old set.

Would anyone have guessed FOUR YEARS OLD? Isn't four still the land of footie pajamas and occasional naps? When only mommy can make it better, and many Disney movies are still too scary to watch? Au contraire!

In the past month I have heard the following (read in disdainful and/or bored teenager tone). Keep in mind there is no viewing of the Disney Channel (or most commercials, for that matter) in our home:

"My belly is, like, so fat when I wear this shirt. Here - look how fat I am." (OK, that one was pretty funny. I mean, what 4-year-old doesn't have a plump stomach?)

"Today was, like, the WORST DAY EVER."

"Alana is still, like, my best friend at school. Whenever Alana gets to school, I just leave Sadie by herself, and Alana and I do, you know, whatever we want and stuff."

You realize, of course, that 'school' is 2.5 hours/day, 3 days/week. And I did not pad those quotes with 'likes' and 'stuff' - those were the exact words out of my daughter's mouth.

You probably also realize that what is going through her mind is not entirely the same as that of a middle or high school student making those types of statements. It has taken me, however, some time to understand her underlying feelings, and to adjust to this new life form who has taken over the little girl that lived here in the summer.

Part of my charm is a propensity for a fiery, knee-jerk reaction like, "Who told you that you were FAT? We need to have a talk about this RIGHT NOW, young lady." Ok, that might be an exaggeration. But not by much. And so I began to fret. Will she begin to tune me out? Will she blindly follow the lead of a strong personality at school and forget whatever values and character we have tried to help foster at home? Have I exposed her to too many inappropriate Glamor and Cosmopolitan covers while in line at the grocery store?!

The answer, I believe, is much simpler than this. We have my 11-year-old stepdaughter at our house roughly half the week, and J worships her. Anything that can make J feel similar to her big sister in any way (clothes, manurisms, even favorite color) makes her feel special and happy.

J also has a babysitter more regularly, and has become aware of all the magical things many teenager girls possess. Lovely long hair, jewelry and handbags, self-sufficiency. This is rather diametrically opposed to having a mother glaring over unpracticed table manners, and an exceedingly early bedtime.

But most importantly, J has become aware of group dynamics as she is exposed to girls in her current school. When I am 'helping parent', I watch with amusement as they hug and laugh and fight and sulk throughout their brief gatherings. They all seem to try on different personalities like the hats and clothes in the dress-up corner of the classroom. At the end of the day, they all yell "AGAIN!" in unison when the teacher sings a funny song, like all 4-year-olds around the world, and exclaim, "YEAH!" while clapping and sitting crossed-legged on their 'circle time spot' by their cubbies.

J has not been able to snap as quickly back to her own personality after these class interactions because, I think, she has not been around other kids that often. These experiences can be stressful if you're not terribly certain from one day to the next who will be your friend, even when the reality is everyone loves her and that she is part of a small and safe group of good kids. It's no wonder she can be so drained after her brief class time. And no wonder she seems to be working through her own feelings about her world and herself.

I just hope, in the midst of working, running, and other activities that pull at my schedule and attention, I can focus on letting her securely express herself. If I think about it, this is not so different than my job when I would interpret her infant cry or her toddler tantrum. What does she really need right now? What is she really saying? She is saying she wants to be spoken to and heard like a person, not a little child. She is saying she wants to feel independence while having my support at the ready. And she needs to know to handle other people with kindness and respect while demanding the same for herself.

My goal will now be to stay ahead of the curve here with her, and foster her gowth socially as well as academically. And, as with yoga, the only way to get better is to let go. Wish me luck.