Loss

Well, it finally happened. JBL's grandmother passed away Sunday shortly before lunchtime. It's hard to believe it's been almost a year since I began contemplating this event. Over this time, she very gradually faded away. At first she lost her ambulatory ability, then she lost interest in eating. Finally, she showed symptoms of senility.

Having lived through both a slowly-developing fatal disease with my dad, and a shockingly unexpected death with my mother, I can say that this type of loss is easier. For me anyway. Obviously there is still shock involved, and I understand that no matter how well-prepared you are, loss is always an unfamiliar landscape.

But I am here this time as a liaison. Nanny's journey was familiar to me, and the hurricane of emotions swirling in her absence is perfectly understood. For once I can be the strong one. It was wonderful, if that is not too effusive a term, to be able to see just what JBL's mom needed - to be told it was OK to let her mom go - and offer that support. It felt good to be able to hold JBL's grandfather as he wept by his wife's bedside, now containing only her vacant body. For just a moment I brought calm and relief. It is a role I am not used to, but will gladly play given the chance.

Earlier this week I spent a day cooking for JBL's family. I appreciated receiving home-cooked meals when I was grieving, and looked forward to offering the same support in someone else's time of need. But truth be told, this effort is as much for me as for what I am giving Lark and Grandy. Working with my hands, in the kitchen or in the garden, allows my mind to be calm for some reason. And creating something as a gift is a pure expression of my affection. I hope that is understood and felt by those receiving it.

I would say it has been a long time since I have been a source of peace, had a calm mind, and expressed pure affection, but that would be an understatement. I almost have to laugh at myself when I reflect on Grandy's description of his wife of almost 70 years. "She was truly a lady. I have always thought of her that way. You know, I don't think I ever heard her say a cuss word." His statements, his reverence, made me look inside with chagrin. But alas, one day at a time...one day at a time...

In the meantime, thank you God for Mary D. She was a true lady, a mother who had a hot meal on the table effortlessly every day for her family, a hostess always ready with snacks and margaritas, a friend who offered constant support and comaraderie, and a volunteer who gave freely and happily of her time. She gave to me from the heart when she had every reason to be wary, and lavished the girls with affection at every meeting. She will be sorely missed, and loved always.