What comes after

On the way home from lunch last weekend, we passed the retirement community where JBL's grandparents live. Both of them have had health issues over the past several years, and they have experienced a fairly significant decline over the past twelve months. JBL has made a point to see them more often, and to take the girls whenever appropriate.

It seems logical that J may have picked up on discussions occuring around her during these visits, but we were still shocked when, as we passed by the little community, she piped up from the back seat with, "Nanny's not doing very well, is she? I don't think she will be alive much longer."

Death is a challenging topic for every parent, I know. Whether relating to a family member, pet, or even a random animal on the side of the road, many of us feel we must Get It Right when discussing what happens at the end of life with our children. And the inevitable question of what happens to us after is just such a delicate topic. I have struggled with what to say since I am not 100% sure what I think about it, even after 39 years of consideration.

I have always loved strolling through cemeteries, reading over old headstones, looking at dates, figuring out how long people lived, and mostly wondering what their lives had been like. For each body lying here, I wonder, how many other lives were touched? What of these souls is remembered? What lives on?

I know what I want to tell the girls, and what I do tell them is about heaven. I tell them that we can do whatever we want, that we can be with everyone else who has passed away, and there is no body any longer - thus no cold, no hunger, no pain. And it's more than simply wanting that to be true. I know I am not alone in talking to my deceased parents in my mind when J does something funny or troubling. How could it be that my parents are not together now? How could it be that my spirit wouldn't follow J around for the rest of her life when my body no longer functions? It's a possibility my mind can't really contemplate. And yet...

My agnostic heart feels that what I should focus on, what matters, is not what comes after, but what happens now. The real way to live forever is to pass on good things, to your children, to other family members or friends. This is the real key - that we have free will, that we have the ability to do both good and bad. And we can choose to create love, security, contentment in others through words, and more importantly, actions. I have hardly lived up to my potential for doing good, but I am working on it.

So, when J then asked, "What happens if you die and I'm still little?" I wanted to really nail it. After all, everything a parent says or does can have a lasting effect, even when the topic is much less weighty than this one. I noted that she asked in a curious tone, as though asking about someone else, or about something in a movie. Even still, I was so taken aback, I blathered on about someone else taking care of her, and that my spirit would always be with her, but that she needn't worry since nothing is going to happen to me. She made no reply, and stared out the car window. I don't know if what I said even registered.

Later that night, I went into J's room to kiss her before my bedtime, as I always do. It's amazing to see her sleeping soundly. So still after all the activity of the day. So quiet. Little chest rising and falling slowly. One little hand draped off the side of the bed, the other solidly wrapped around Bunny's neck, holding her close under a little chin. I leaned over to brush my fingers along her cheek, to smell her scent. The thoughts came unbidden, that if I died I would be this close to her forever with my soul. Is it possible for a soul to breath in the scent of someone's hair, or to feel the softness of a tiny, shell-like ear?

I felt tears sting the backs of my eyelids as it occurred to me then that no, I might just be GONE. Heaven or no, it's entirely possible (likely, even) that I will not inhabit the woods near my home as I have envisioned so clearly in the past. I will not have the luxury of wrapping my spirit around my family wherever they are. I had better Get It Right, now. Only one thing is certain - it's the good I can do as a mom now that will help me stay with J forever. Tough thoughts.