Mulligan

Maybe it was the weather (day 2 of morning rain), the fact that I sobbed my eyes out last night over Poltergeist (no one told me that once you become a mother, movies in which children suffer are gut-wrenchingly painful to watch), or maybe it was my interrupted sleep ("Mommy, I had an accident!" - followed by me getting back in bed and promptly worrying about things for another hour and a half), but I woke up on the Wrong Side of the Bed this morning. Despite trying to be warm and loving, offering J a special treat of leftover pancakes for breakfast, and getting home in time to make muffins before JBL woke up, I managed to put a frown on everyone's face before 9am. Thank you petulance and accusatory tones.

Oh, and I may have offended my neighbor with the flu by offering to host the Halloween party if she's still sick - you know, so we can also invite more people than she had intended to if she were hosting. Niiiiice. Man, I suck sometimes.

But the sun has come out and I am feeling repentant. Well, at least not quite as self-centered. After dropping off treats at school for the Halloween bake sale, I made a point to find J and give her a big hug. I talked nicely to JBL when I got home (hey, I can only do so much). I bought flowers for my neighbor. I am planning one of my family's favorites for dinner - burgers with my Secret Seasoning*.

Still, today feels like a bit of an uphill battle. I am reminded of J - lately when I wake her up, she hides under her blanket and pushes aways any attempt at contact as I gently try to pry her out of bed. I wish I could hide now, too, from myself.

Instead I will look outward for inspiration: I can see the sun dancing in the trees outside my kitchen window, reflecting firey yellows and oranges from the leaves now devoid of their chlorophyll. It glistens on the grass still wet from the earlier rain. It warms the room as it streams in. I am home. I am happy. It's a beautiful day. Life is good.

*It's not so secret - it's Montreal seasoning + Worcestershire sauce gently mixed into the ground beef of your choice. I don't know about you, but I am not sold on this whole 20% fat makes the best burger thing.