Cha-ching

I am now finished 90% of my school shopping for J. What a process! I was with a friend when I bought her school-monogrammed shirts. "Cha-ching," she said, "And the first of many cha-chings to come." School store - cha-ching! Land's End - cha-ching! Target - cha-ching! Last on the list is The Blazer, to be worn on formal dress days only. I saw them online for $80. For a 5-year-old. EIGHT - ZERO. I think my face is going to fall off with the money stress. There are cheaper versions around...I am sure...aren't there...?!

It will be nice for J avoid the fashion worries that often cripple young ladies, what with the uniforms and all. But I do so miss the days when I could stock her fall wardrobe for under $100 (including shoes, winter coat/snow pants and boots) at Target and Wal Mart.

I guess the whole thing is weighing on me because the clothing is truly a drop in the bucket compared to the school tuition. Over her lifetime, between now and high school graduation, we will spend the equivalent of a townhouse in Paris in tuition. Or at the very least a set silver-plated drool cups and toilet chairs for when I get The Alzheimer's. JBL has let me make this decision for her, and I feel good about it, but still...

Someone recently told me to stop worrying about money. Seriously. Can you believe that?

"What has happened in your life when you've needed money? I mean, have you EVER not had money when you really needed it?"

"No," I replied quietly. I thought of my grandfather helping me with the down-payment on my house, my company helping pay for my graduate degree, and the kind folks at Visa who financed my trip to San Fransisco so I could freak out when I needed to, and pay for it (in more ways than one) at my leisure.

But this is such a huge and long-term commitment, it frightens me. Factored in are the adult responsibility for the here-and-now, the wisdom required to plan for my own future (I'm almost 40 for crying out loud), and the knowledge that my decision affects my partner-in-life as well as my daughter. And believe me, JBL would rather have the house in Paris.

Additionally, this is about second-guessing myself. Did I really make this choice because I think J is 'advanced' - beyond where my local schools could challenge her? Or is it about my need to keep up with the proverbial Jones's? I know she's smart. REALLY smart. But couldn't I just opt for homeschooling, and save all that money? I am fully capable of teaching her, and would in fact get a kick out of it. I know several parents who have chosen this option, and their kids are both socially healthy and academically superior to their peers.

Maybe the stress is about letting go, not about money at all. Someone else will have her ALL DAY. I am paying through the nose to no longer be her everything. She falls down? Someone else holds her while she cries. She has a question about math or reading? Someone else gets to answer her...gets to watch her mind chew on it, and take it all in.

I am sorry this blog is all about my worries, fears and weaknesses, but it really does help to write it all out. Here it is. I am penny wise and pound foolish. I want J to go to the same school as K does because I think she deserves it, and I am willing to risk a comfortable future to make that happen. I think she's smarter than even this school can keep up with, and I am afraid I won't have the energy or follow through to continue to challenge her myself once she's gone all day and I'm working more like full-time. And OH GOD I am going to miss her when she's not here with me all the time. And I know it will be OK.