W.O.W. - 5/31/10

Today is Memorial Day, and I should write something about the veterans in our family. Of course there's Grandy - JBL's grandfather - who flew P-31s and was shot down over occupied France. Then there was my own father, who was a mechanic who worked on B-29s in southeast Asia. He used to cry whenever he watched Memphis Belle, which was often.

Today is also the fourth day of a heavy cold, which is unusual both in its severity and duration. (Boy, does that sound stupid following the mention of my heros' brave history.) I could write about the possible reasons for my queer malady, of which there are many. I could also write that I haven't run for 3 days, mostly because of The Cold, and how the break is affecting me emotionally. Hint: it's not a good feeling.

What I will write, however, is about something that popped into my head just now as J was reading to me. (A benefit of losing your voice - it's a good excuse to make the 6-year-old do some independent reading.) I was so proud of J as she plowed through one of our favorite books - a mutual love-fest of a tome called I Love You. The range of emotions I felt made my internal cynic throw red flags galore, and I paused.

This post is addition to my Words of Wisdom list. It's a bit wordy, so pull up a proverbial chair.

You will be taught that certain emotions are bad. You will be taught that, as a parent, you should not want your child to be advanced. You should just love them for who they are at every developmental level. If you feel your child is advanced, and that thought gives you a secret thrill, this feeling of superiority-by-proxy implies you are trying to deal with some inadequacies within yourself, which is an unhealthy way to feel.

You will be taught that any prejudicial feelings you have are wrong. If you pass someone on the street and immediately assume you know something about them based on their skin color, clothes, age, or body shape (and usually the thoughts you have will be negative), you are a bad person.

You will be taught that it is wrong to try to Keep Up with the Joneses. That little pang you will feel in your twenties when your friend buys a BMW and you still have the hand-me-down 15 year-old car? Wretched. That anxiety that fills you when your other friend gets the window office and you're stuck in a cubicle? Deplorable. The dismay you feel when you can only afford a week at the beach (splitting the cost with your in-laws) while your kid's friends take trips to Europe, after skiing out west over Spring Break, fitting it all in around a month-long summer camp in Maine? In the immortal words of Gomer Pyle: "For shame, for shame, for shame!"

But I am here to tell you that you will have all these feelings. The trick of being an adult is what to do with them. I say understand there are valid and good reasons to have ambition, pride and prejudice. If the feelings are only serving some negativity - eating away at your insides, or making you feel separate from/beneath others, stop and examine your thoughts a bit. Chances are they can be turned into a way to change your own perceptions, or to set goals for yourself that are reasonable. The answers are usually right there, within you.

Likewise, always check yourself if you feel a spike of righteous indignation. The answers are usually somewhere out in the middle, somewhere gray. (Usually.) Gray can be good. You're rarely 100% right and you're rarely 100% wrong. Think it out. Be mindful. Understand why you think what you do. Know as much as you can, but don't be too hard on yourself when you don't know.

Ok, that was a lot of words, and possibly very little wisdom. And I certainly fall prey to these very natural tendencies to be negative, both where myself and others are concerned. But I want the girls to know you don't have to stop there, and you don't need someone else to tell you how to think and feel. The wise answers are often more simple, though much harder to reach than you might think.

Back in the big yellow chair with J in my lap, I let my pride wash over me. I am excited that she is confident and capable with her reading skills. And if she ever reads this list, these words of wisdom, I hope she realizes there's no shame necessary in my pride or hers.