Holding on

At 6, she still wants me in the bathroom with her.

At 6, she still wants me to hold her for just a minute before I go downstairs to make breakfast.

At 6, she will still take an invisible 'love' from me to put in her pocket for safekeeping til she gets to school.

At 6, she will still let me hug her before scampering onto the bus.

At 6, she is still delighted by everything new thing she learns.

At 6, she still thinks it's funny to burp at the dinner table.

At 6, she still wants me to dry her off (and snuggle in the process) after her shower.

At 6, she still wiggles and fidgets uncontrollably at bedtime.

At 6, she still asks for one more giant hug before I turn out the light.

Thank you God for 6.

Such is life

My vegetable garden has evolved slowly over the past 5 years or so. When I first started, I only grew peas and herbs - the former because J and JBL love peas, and the latter because we use herbs in cooking frequently and hate paying through the nose for them at the grocery.

From there, I gradually added plants until last year, when I had a decent-sized plot (6' x 10') that included peas, parsley, basil, rosemary, jalapenos, cherry tomatoes, plum tomatoes, string beans, carrots, cantaloupe, and watermelon.

Unfortunately, I have no idea what I am doing, so my success rate is mixed at best. The cherry tomatoes took over their space and that of the beans. This was providential - as it turned out, I was the only one who wanted to eat the beans anyway. Based on 3 full rows (planted a second time when there was little action after 4 weeks) I received exactly 4 anemic carrots. The peppers and basil floundered in the shade of both tomato plants. The melons went wild - I ended up wrapping them around the perimeter several times - but didn't actually produce ripened fruit til September. I spent my days shaking my head in consternation while either watering or weeding.

The only plus (well, besides watching the whole process, which was cool), was that I found JBL and K actually enjoy home-grown cantaloupe after actively dissing store-bought melons for years.

This year I am taking a pared-down approach. No melons. Only plum tomatoes, and only 2 plants at that. Ok, maybe 3. Lettuce in place of beans and carrots. Same herbs and peppers. That's it.

So far, the cool weather veggies are all that I have planted. The peas are going gangbusters, as always. I could write a whole post on the various trellising systems I have employed, but it would bore us both to tears. Let me just say I have found success this year with rabbit fencing, and will use it also for the tomatoes in place of those ridiculously ineffective wire cones.

The lettuce, on the other hand, has been fickle. I have now planted two full rows twice and have only a handful of plants to show for it. Oh, they're vigorous little things, but what about the others? It is beyond frustrating to have no idea when my efforts in the garden will come to...ahem...fruition.

Easy enough, you may say. You plant seeds, and amend the soil where needed. You water when it doesn't rain enough. Sometimes the seeds grow and sometimes they don't. But you don't understand. What does that do to you? I for one am more than troubled when I plant something and I just...fail. Without adequate reason. But such is life, my mother used to say. Such is life.

So out I will go this week, finally buying shrubs for the west side of the house (hello Steeds Holly and Silver King Euonymus!), and perhaps purchasing annuals for my front-porch containers. I will think and plan and hope and plant. In the garden, at least, I am not paralyzed by fear of failure...

Capsule

Over the last few weeks, I 'd been channeling (or being channeled by) Pete Yorn - specifically his songs from Musicforthemorningafter. I just loved that album. Why were they spinning around my mind in an endless loop? Was there a meaning? Was Pete trying to tell me something? Anyway, on Tuesday, he was inexplicably supplanted by the Counting Crows when I heard this at T.J. Maxx. Remember that video? Back when MTV actually played music, I recall seeing it frequently.

If I had to pick a character in the video that I feel akin to, it would be the guy in the desert. I totally understand the sense of waiting, the need to stay busy with meaningless things, the loneliness. But I was also struck by Adam Duritz.

Watching him, I feel like I am looking back in time. There is Adam. Still there. I remember all his mannerisms, his silly dreads, his '90s black boots. Wasn't he dating Courtney Cox then? I know here's here now, even after all he's been through, but watching that video (like all old tapes and photographs) engenders in me the idea that a version of a person can be caught forever in a previous place. Adam is still standing on those railroad tracks on that day. Somewhere back then a woman is still schlepping a suitcase around Los Angeles.

And where am I? I am still driving my white Chevy Cavalier downtown, and around Cockeysville. I am still invisible inside a corporate cubicle. I am still wishing I were a grown-up, though I was in my mid-twenties. And I still connect with the girl on the car in the parking lot. I look back over my shoulder and see the dresses I used to wear and feel the summer heat in my apartment.

When JBL and I took J by 17J recently to show her Mommy's old place, I knew the creak of the door opening, and the musty smell of the hallway, even though we didn't go in. I knew the thud-thud-thud my feet would make walking up the carpeted steps, and I knew the semi-gloss of the brown door to the third floor apartment (on the left) - noticeably thick since it had been painted so many times since the '70s when Lakeside Living was built. I wouldn't knock even if I could have because I would want to open the door and see my pine table and giant old stereo, my TV and gauzy curtains, my shower curtain covered in roses and cherry rice-carved post bed. I am still in there - how could I possibly knock from the outside?

She said, "Shh...I know. It's only in my head." But where are you?

Touching base

"If you could thank God for one thing for today, what would it be?"

"Hmm."

"Peppermint Patties?"

"Mmm, but..."

"What else?"

"That my Momma loves me SO much!" (she says, snuggling into me)

Amen.

(*)

Lowest point ever two nights ago, and last night wasn't much better. I can breathe tonight. I feel good. Looking at some star fire lilies that are lighting up the room with their scent and beauty. They just 'are'.

Peace, however short-lived, is a miraculous thing.